It’s raining outside. It’s raining so hard tonight. I can hear a thunderstorm in my ears. Like the lightning fall in front of my eyes. And I can feel thousands of raindrops touch my skin.
And the feeling comes again. On a very peaceful Friday, on a very beautiful night. Supposedly. The feeling comes again.
I closed my eyes as the lightning comes. White. I covered my ears as tons of raindrops fall through the roof tile. Scream. I played a song, I called my friends, I started to sing while remembering all the happy memories.
I’m scared.
I’m scared of the rain. It’s like they’ll invading something important from me. I’m afraid of the thunder. It’s like they’ll attack me and nothing will be left in me.
Will the electricity go out? Will the lights shut off? What if a big storm comes? What if something bad happens? Will I be okay? Is everything’s gonna be okay? I hate my mind. All the negative thoughts suddenly come in. Slowly creep in my body.
Tears come out as hard as the raindrops on the outside.
I’m scared.
And that’s when I realized. That it’s not the raindrops that I’m afraid of. That it’s not the thunder whom I am scared of. That it’s not the storm that scares me out. It’s not the rain that I hate.
I hate it when I started to feel lonely. Curled up in the corner of my room, I wish there’s someone besides me. I’m afraid because I’m sitting alone in my bed, I hope I can be in a room full of the people that I loved. I hate the fact that I’m alone.
What if all my bad thoughts happened and no one here? I’m scared.
And I hate my mind. When I started to babble about stuff, about anything I could think of. But at times like this, all I can think is about how I hate myself. I hate it when I just want to comfort myself and not to think about the rain outside, but even my head is noisier than the rain. They are messier than the ripples that water creates. And I hate it here.
11/06/2021
NNA. 🌟
